Action! (In the Name of the King)

Rebath. Not exactly a designer's choice as far as a remodel goes. And their whole "one-day-to-a-new-bath" credo? Yeah, well, that's a hoax. But what can you do when you're renting and your landlord has hired Rebath? Seriously. I'm asking. What can you do?!

As of today, their huge truck has parked in our driveway six times. Six! Whatever happened to one? When the doorbell rang this morning and "Tony" was on the other side (yet again), I was so out of there. I packed up quick and decided to do my usual morning routine of checking emails and returning phone calls at my parent's house. They don't have a Tony, nor do they want one anytime soon. On the way, I was going to do a quick work errand.

It's not rare to see a film crew on 15th and 15th, so I didn't think anything of the two guys hauling gear out of a black suburban. I got out of my car, zipped up my jacket (I was still wearing the same t-shirt I had worn to bed, but who would know?) looked at my reflection in my car window, curled the fly-aways around my hair, and walked in. I was the first customer at the King's English this morning, having waited five minutes for the owner (Betsy) to get her things out of her car and unlock the door from the inside. We exchanged morning pleasantries, then I headed right for the architecture/design book shelf. I'm helping a few people with libraries (as in home libraries, so curb your urge to sing "Marian, Madam Librarian") and I've been hunting all over town for a few books about living with books. The design/architecture section at King's English is always quite unique, so I honed in and was hopeful.

Not finding what I was looking for (but finding a great book on kitchen renos!) I headed back towards Betsy and asked her to look up a few titles for me. Just as she began to take down my information to place an order, in walked the two Men In Black. One of them was carrying the camera, which was already on, his eye snug up against the peep-hole. The other was manning the cord, letting it slip through his hands as they walked towards us. Betsy was business-as-usual. I resisted the urge to stare right back at the camera with What-The-Heck?! eyes. I see people do that on TV. It's very unprofessional. "We're rolling," one of the camera men said, in a hushed tone. Betsy didn't even glance up, she just kept pencil to paper and continued to take my information, which was delivered at a whisper. As if (under the circumstances) I'm going to speak my personal contact info at regular decibels!

The two-man crew was done before Betsy finished helping me find books about living with books on the online catalog. There was an obvious reason I didn't bend over the counter to look at the titles on her screen as she pointed to them. My posterior is a bit camera shy. My anterior isn't too keen on face time, either.

Impromptu cameo in the wraps, I made a pit stop at the travel section, searching for the Fodor's and DK Travel guides for Italy and Southern France. Any reason to take a trip in the opposite direction of the camera team. As I came down the stairs, one of the MIB approached me. "You were in some of the shots we took this morning. We need to get your permission to use that footage." He had a pen in hand. I looked down at my wardrobe and shrugged my shoulders as my eyes came back up and said, "Sure. The morning I come in no make-up, un showered and basically in my pajamas. Sure. Sure, you can use the footage! Where do I sign?" He pointed to the "X" and I sloppily (very un-Martha, but you've gotta act the part, right?) signed my Herbie Hancock on the space provided, using the door casing as a support. "Oh. This will air next week. Just FYI. Primetime." "Great," I said. "Great." With another shoulder shrug, I rolled my eyes and walked up to the cash register as the MIB went out. There go the Men In Black. And...Scene. (Thanks, K. I'm stealing that from your screenplay).

As far as who these chaps with a camcorder were, well, I'll tell you this, they hail from a nationally-owned TV station. We're not talking KSL or KUTV. So, set your TiVo, pop popcorn, get a date, hire a sitter and wait for my silver screen debut. It will change your life.

When all was said and done, I would have rather spent the morning at home collecting dust with the rest of our furniture, while listening to Tony talk on his cell phone. For any do-it-yourselfers out there, just and FYI: trying to talk on a cell phone and caulk a shower at the same time isn't the best idea. (After all said caulking had been "completed," (whatever) we were strictly instructed to point the shower head away from the walls. What shower can't get wet?! Hold tight, little caulking!)

Speaking of TV, I think I'm onto something. No more "Designer on a Dime" or whatever those silly shows are called. (I've never bothered to watch them). The next thing to hit Reality TV by storm will be "Caulk n' Talk: With Tony the Shower Dude - Six Days to Your Dream Bath, Duckie!" Look for it in the fall lineup. It's gonna be huge. Now, if you would, please, quiet on the set. Tony just got out of hair and make-up and we're ready to roll. And ..."Action!"